So every gay guy this side of Narnia knows about gay wars (not that thing you clicked on Pornhub accidentally that you had to explain to your parents that you’re not into cause they found that letter from the Government asking why you had typed such disgusting things into google, and you had to explain that it was all for research for a blog you run and now you have to wear a tag on your ankle and you’re on a list). The thing where two gays guys can’t just co exist, and be happy for each other, they play one-up-man-ship and it’s gets VICOUS! Actually not so common in London but more than a small issue in the provences where gay men grow up surrounded by a gaggle/hareem/brothel of women…… or as they’re more commonly/affectionately/cruely known by ‘hags’.
When attending Hagwarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry at a very young age, (the school’s physical form varies for each Fag and Hag, my version of this school was youth club lunch times when I would bring my then, very modern state of the art GHD hair straighteners and literally preen my hags) one learns how best to interact with one’s hag. What compliments work best, eg. Wow you’re ass looks smaller than a grape in those jeans (side note, said hag was 12 at the time, of course her ass was tiny). You learn how to style hair, I vividly remember my very best hag (although technically a fag bangle as she’s WAY to pretty to he a hag, sorry guys, she reads these so need to watch what I say……) teaching me how to correctly execute a tight French plait during a particularly laborious (my work colleagues will enjoy that word) Alice In Wonderland rehearsal in year 9. A life skill that has helped me out of many a sticky Friday night ‘hag’ dilemma. And you basically fake it till you make it until you’re 29 and are possibly the first male Maid of Honour in the history of North Yorkshire interracial weddings. (There have since been 2.)
To complete her higher national diploma in ‘Haggery’ (the course is mainly taken by angry single female alcoholics), a Hag must learn how to drink like a man, how to spot a straight man ‘being a good bro’ for his recently ‘out’ best mate in a glossy sea of plucked eyebrows, tight gym bods and skinny jeans (am I homophobic?!) Our Hag must also learn to navigate the common by-laws conducive of the perfect Will and Grace style relationahip such as:-
- ‘Dicks Before Chicks’, where said ‘Will’ can abandon ‘Grace’ in the middle of Soho/Dalston/a field at any moment on the momentary second glance of a Brazilian top.
- ‘No Chill For You’, where ‘Will’ can pack ‘Grace’ up in an Uber after the club finishes cause the guy who’s party it is says no fats/fems/Asians/girls (I actually happen to be two of those four, I’ll let you guess)
- ‘One Hag Fag’, where even after shunning ‘Grace’ with the first two by-laws ‘Will’ can still protest his ownership of her when he catches wind of a guy guy in her office who offers her a Thursday night drink (“Thursdays are OUR thing!”)
- Five Fag Hags, where ‘Grace’ finds out about ‘Will’ and his other ‘Grace(s)’ and goes on a “I’m your HOTTEST/FUNNEST/SLUTTIEST Hag” rant. (Side note, yes you are.)
It’s rough work for our Hags. But it only feels rough because for the Fags it’s a back alley knife fight. Gay wars. We all have gay friends. Gay frenemies™ (Tina Fey 2004). Gays you know from clubbing. Gays you know from work (I work in musicals, I know loads). Gays you find attractive. (Please note, these are the only acceptable forms of gay men, don’t you DARE meat new gay men at any sort of club, association, cultural event or class) Then there’s this whole group of unknown gays that don’t fit into the Venn diagram of social interaction. Unknown gays. The Venn Diagram below should help you keep up (so many gays).
These are the men we target, and aim to one up. Consciously, subconsciously. Maybe stemming from gay men of my generation or older having to battle so survive our teenage years and seeking solace in stepping on people to backwardly feel better about ourselves. I’m definitely guilty of this in the past (present, future). It’s human nature. Sadly (for the group). Fortunately (for the individual).
Maybe the younger generation of (increasingly attractive)(not too young, I’m not on THAT list) gay guys will not experience Gay Wars, and will have to learn about it from all four gay Grandads (I failed biology). Wars all the same though, that IS human nature. But maybe when I visit Yorkshire next i’ll be met with a Blazing Squad sized group of young gay guys hanging out, plaiting each other’s fringes and watching reruns of ‘Queer As Folk’ on VHS ironically. Maybe.
Now, where’s that new Facebook post of my best Frenemy™, he gained like 2 stone. #thrilles
Speak soon douche bags