Morning nespresso- done. End of the episode of American Gods (Ricky Whittle) I fell asleep last night watching- done. Being honest to my readers about falling asleep watching the episode last night due to the extra strength homemade Bulgarian wine my sister bought home form a trip- done. Gym- done. 

It’s 12.30 pm and I have basically just won the morning. So a quick trip to the park to eat my Fresh Fitness Food protein pancakes  (they’re still not sponsoring me. So many plugs!)

As a treat to my already sun damaged skin I decide to take refuge under an ancient sycamore tree in London Fields. I know it’s a sycamore tree because Google told me so. Thank you……. Mark Zucke……… Bill Gates? After my pancakes and the lucid focus of my pre-workout wears off, the ache of legs day sets in (so many back door brags I don’t know where to begin!) my body decides it need another pick me up. So off to Climpsons on Broadway market it is. A coffee lovers must for hipsters and muggles alike. 

I wander in and am served my usual monochromaticly dressed scruffy hipster, let’s call him Barry. An equally depressing and ironically cool name. Fucking hipsters. I order my usual americano (next to no calories, fellow chubsters take heed) and Barry replies with what I assume is a foreign language and asks if I would like a ‘Cold Brew Coffee’, naturally I slap him round the face as this is clearly an insult. Coffee should be hot. After a few rounds of this ‘Cold Brew Coffee’- slap round the face takes place, I agree to try his suspicious gazpacho style coffee (I mean I do own a fold up bike so…..) Fucking hipsters. 

£3. THREE. FUCKING. POUNDS. Three English pounds to try his COLD coffee. 50p MORE than a hot coffee. Lesss effort……. for 50p more. Not today satan. Not today. Fucking hipsters. 

First came siracha mayonnaise. No thank you very much. I mixed Nando’s and Hellmans. Job done. 

Then came the ukelele. I hit up Toy R Us for a miniature guitar for children. No flies on me.

Cold brew coffee for an EXTRA 50p? Nice try hipsters. Here’s The Hackney Gay’s quick fix solution for this middle class abomination- wake up three hours early and head down to Climpsons, they won’t be open yet so leave a post it note on the step with your usual americano order and the correct change (£2.50), on the note leave advice that they should leave your coffee on the side and you will return later once the coffee is cold. Boom! Cold coffee no hassle. You’re welcome. 

Side note- cold brew coffee is delicious and I’m off to order another before I cycle home on my Brompton. 

TTFN Squirrels


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