What’s your maxim? Your motto? Your New Year’s resolution even? The agreement I made with myself at a much younger age was simple-

“Always get the money first!”

“Use what you got to get everything that you want, before what you got is gone”

It’s actually a line from a broadway musical called ‘The Life’. Super Liza Minelli style gay reference but it’s actually a musical about drug dealers and prostitutes so, ya know, swings and roundabouts.

The quote basically translates to using your strengths to get ahead in life- if you’re funny, do stand up, become a presenter, if you’re smart, start a business, invent something, if you’re pretty, marry a billionaire, get over a million instagram followers or marry a billionaire…… wait I used that one, if you’re good at blowjobbing……. well you get the gist. Or if you’re all of the above, perform in a musical and write a blog that will catapult you to fame and fortune and a possible future of prescription drugs and booze filled paprazzi scandals (fingers crossed. My ‘hopes for the future mood-board’ is a lot of Lindsay Lohan at the moment).

But we should all have hopes and dreams. At the tender age of eleven I told my mum “I’m going to be an actor in a West End show”, granted it took a little longer than my original debut date of aged 13 but by-Kabbalah i did it. Everything I have ever wanted in my life I’ve gone out and got it. I went to the dance school that I prayed to get into, I now own a factory conversion in Hackney Central, I am a paid writer now, and for a (very) brief time in 2015 I had my very own six pack (side note it was an eight pack but it’s seems arrogant to brag).

Once in my early twenties I made a list of five things that I wanted. They were so superficial, but being young and gorgeous and twenty two, I felt little need to cure cancer, climb a mountain or visit my family more, one phone call twice a year is quite enough. The list was as follows-

– Macbook

– Mulberry wallet

– iPhone

– Egyptian cotton sheets

– A boyfriend

Shallow I know, but what the hell did you ask Santa for at twenty two?! It was June, I was working in a gay bar in Clapham (for privacy reasons let’s call this place Zaz Bar) and a guy came in and paid for drinks using cash from his Mulberry wallet. I had just that very day been looking at the same one I told him, fluttering my eyelids and flirting like a widow at a wake. He told me he was the press officer for Mulberry and that he actually got sixty percent off all stock. SIXTY EFFING PERCENT. That’s basically free. After my designer leather goods erection had calmed down (I get them a lot in Mayfair, it’s a real problem. Ask anyone.) I told him that I would give him his round for free (“use what you got”) if he got the discount for me (“to get everything that you want”). He did and three days later my beautiful (very reasonably priced) wallet arrived. I was later that month, sacked from that bar for basically being lazy and too chatty (“before what you got is gone”), and not for giving away free drinks to boys that might get me reasonably priced leather goods.

My twenty third birthday rolled round (June 28th incase you want to send designer goods) and with it brought a MacBook from my parents, some cash from my Grandma which I used to buy said new sheets (she herself is actually Egyptian so it seemed like the right thing to do) and I upgraded my crappy old Blackberry to a nice shiny white iPhone 4.

I’m still waiting on that boyfriend. Still.

So the message here is simple. Don’t like what you got (I didn’t), change it (I did). You, like me, have fought your way through adversity, and probably a couple of queues at Cos (such great sales). You pulled yourself up from the pile of basic bitch people wherever you’re from and you made a life for yourself. Hater’s gonna hate and all that instagram quote crap. Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep striving. (Keep drinking, it’s good for the soul. Ask anyone). Just don’t push anyone down to get there (unless you’re having consensual sex, cause some people really don’t take the hint- looking at you attractive yet lazy Tinder date from last Thursday!!!!!!).

Right, got some dreams to achieve (vom).

Smell ya later



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